forgiving myself

I've hurt people. In the last two months, I have hurt people I never thought I would and I've lost people who I thought would be in my life forever. I tried to ignore it, I tried to pretend that it wasn't my fault. But the blood is on my hands, and no matter how hard I scrub, it stays. A permanent stain of the pain I have caused. So what do you do when you try to make amends but you are only met with hostile words? Words that hurt so much your world starts to fall apart. The issue is that the bad guy is not allowed to be hurt. The bad guy made the mistake, the bad guy hurt the innocent people, the bad guy doesn't deserve to be comforted, doesn't deserve to be treated like a human. I am the bad

guy and I've come to terms with it. I have sat many hours, thinking about the pain that I have caused. Realizing that somethings cannot be fixed and I must live with that. I know that I am the bad guy, I will never pretend that I haven't made mistakes but I have also realized that I am worthy of forgiveness. I have tortured myself over the mistakes I have made but I do not need to hate myself the way that I have. In the wake of my mistakes, I have learned so much. I have learned that to move on you must accept that you have done a bad thing but that it does not make you a bad person. I have owned up to them and realize that I cannot blame anyone but myself but that doesn't mean I need to hate myself. I still get angry though. I get angry at the people who hurt me, I get angry at the people who left me but I'm learning to let that go. To the people who stayed with me, to the ones were able to look past my mistakes. The ones who loved me when I was at my worst and needed your love the most. Thank you. Thank you for seeing me for who I am not and not as my mistakes. You are the people I want in my life and I am forever grateful for you. Forgiveness is a hard thing, specially when its about forgiving yourself. I'm getting there, slowly but surly.