Honey and Wildfire

Well will you look at that... Anna is going to try her hand at blogging once again. Surpised? Not at all. Will it last? Honestly, I have no idea. Writing is hard, being consistent is hard, living can sometimes... be hard. But here I am, going on another day, spilling my guts to the internet. Please me nice to me internet, I'm fragile. A quote I read the other day inspired this blog post, it inspired me so much that it might be my next tattoo. The quote went like this; "Both honey and wildfire are the color of gold." I know what you're thinking... why is this girl going to get a weird quote that really doesn't mean much, tattooed on her body? Well my friends, sit down and buckle up because I am about to type my fingers off, trying to explain what is going on it my head and why it means so much to me. I have had my fair share of struggles, but most recently I have had one nagging issue that I can't seem to shake. I don't know who I am, or who I want to be. I continuously flip from wanting to be this dainty, sweet innocent girl who exudes warmth to a strong, badass, no bullshit type of woman who can bring the house down. It is a constant battle, soft or strong? While this might not seem like a big deal to some people, but to me, having this sort of internal conflict is wreaking havoc on my psyche. How are you expected to help the world, if you can't even help yourself? There are two sides within me, continuously pulling at me, both craving for power. That is where the quote comes in. For the longest time I believed that these two ideas could not coexist within me. I thought I had to make a choice and stick with that for the rest of my life. Having two parts to yourself not working in sync is frightening. I thought something was wrong with me, why am I here continuously battling myself? This often made me feel bad for the feelings that I had. If I was having a particularlly good day, I would feel as if maybe all of things in my life weren't that bad and I was being over dramatic. If I can be happy and smile and laugh then why do I label myself as depressed? Then it will shift. I will be having a bad day, a low episode and I start to think of all of the terrible things that people have gone through and are going through and are okay. Am I being dramatic? Am I ungrateful? I don't want to feel like this, I promise I don't want the attention, I just don't know how to fix this. But then I read this quote. Honey, soft. Wildfire, strong. They are me and I am them and we are all the color of gold. Honey and wildfire pay no attention to what people think of them and have no problem with their own existence. This quote was able to show me that I don't have to choose, just as Persephone only ate half of the pomegranate (if you don't know this reference i'm sad for you), I am able to indulge in both parts of me. I don't have to concern myself with what anyone thinks and I do not have to fit myself into a mold that i'm not meant for. I can be both honey and wildfire. I guess that is what makes me, me.